Fred Goss, You Make Me Wanna Listen to Soft Rock

If there’s one new TV show I’ll be watching this year, it’s this one – all because of this ad.

BeThree…The Filet of Websites

The good news? I’m not dead. The bad news? Britney Spears is still not wearing underwear and Mary Kate Olsen has snuck her way into one of my favorite TV shows, “Weeds.” It’s a travesty.

Anyway, I know you’ve missed me and if you’re looking for someone to blame for my absence, blame BeThree – a fantastic website that you should all go visit immediately. Actually, sign up. If you do, you’ll be on the same list as Jennifer Aniston and Kate Hudson, both of whom have also decided to sign up for BeThree because they love it THAT much. *

* Okay, this is a slight fabrication…but if these two actually knew about the site, they’d have signed up already.  That said, I’m emailing them now…

And The Winner Is…

Attention everyone! The Gawker Shop is having a huge sale on its tshirts this Memorial Day weekend, so I urge you to go check out their selection.

You’ll find items like this:

And this:

I might personally spring for the “Don’t Free Paris” shirt, but I’m also pining over the “Your Assistant Hates You” tee. Choices, choices.

Speaking of tshirts, please help me in offering a huge CONGRATULATIONS and a YOU KICKED EVERYONE’S ASS to Sticky Notes readers, GSizzle and Amers, for winning the “Search for a Real Genius” contest! After deliberating carefully and methodically over the past month, I realized this baby has two champions. Now I know I owe you both some duds, but let’s face it…I’m only a blog writer and online editor…so when I get the funds, I’ll send you your booty. (Hehe, I just said booty.)

And now I implore you to exit the internet, put on some flipflops, and attend a rip-roaring BBQ. Because it’s Memorial Day and I said so.

I Think I’m Growing Up

Very recently, I’ve started doing the strangest things. Things like:

1) Taking a multivitamin every day. With food, no less. How responsible.

2) Taking calcium supplements on top of that. The chocolately, chewy kind that taste like Tootsie Rolls. I’m scared one late Saturday night after tying a few too many on, I might binge on my calcium chews. That would not be good.

3) Making the bed right after I roll out of it in the morning. It looks nice that way. Who knew?

4) Drinking tea. Yes, tea. (Which, btw, I never understood five years ago. I once asked a tea connoisseur, “What’s so delicious about hot water that tastes like fruit??” Wow, did I have much to learn.)

5) Kissing my fiance each night before we eat dinner. It’s like our dinnertime prayer.

6) Religiously flossing. And brushing. And using mouthwash. “Whatever you do, take care of your teeth,” they told me.

7) Complaining about my lower back, then stretching it dramatically in front of others.

8 ) Folding our underwear out of the dryer like my mom used to: in little, neat squares.

I think I’m growing up.

TSA Update: “Water. That Is a Liquid. Good!”

For all you fellow frequent flyers out there, I think you need to watch this important video clip released from the TSA (that’s Transportation Security Administration for all you aviophobics out there) regarding their policies with gels and liquids. I, myself, am taking off for LA next week and was in the midst of squeezing my shampoo into a tiny 3-ounce plastic bottle when I heard the news. So put down that clear quart-size plastic baggie you were loading up for your carry-on and take a look:

“Water. That is a liquid. Good!”

(via Consumerist)

The Spiderman Slap Heard Round the World

Ten Kleenex boxes and two rounds of antibiotics later, I’m still standing. Take THAT you stupid sinus infection. And I’m just in time to post this ridiculous video of Tobey Maguire on the day of his Spiderman 3 movie premiere.

Ignore the beer commercial at the beginning of this footage (although a pint of bubbly with this decongestant might be a fun little experiment) and take a gander at what happens when a French fan approaches Tobey for a picture outside his hotel. Cameras + fans = Spidey getting mighty pissed off. Pay close attention as the smackdown happens in a split second. But damn, the rage on Tobey’s face says it all.

So the prevailing opinions coming from the peanut gallery in response to this video are the following:

1) Tobey Maguire is a complete a*shole or conversely, 2) That French fan deserved it for getting in Tobey’s face

I, for one, am siding with #1. I don’t care how close the fans get, how many cameras are flashing in your face, or how many Paparazzi are camping outside your hotel. You’re a celebrity, you signed up for this, deal with it or become a regular 9-to-5er like everyone else. All this, “please respect my privacy, blah blah” doesn’t apply if you’re being paid $17 million dollars to star in an over-hyped sequel with Miss “I’m too good for all of you” Dunst.

So stop bitch-slapping your fans and get back to work doing what you do best: kissing women in the pouring rain while hanging upside down.

Colds are a B*tch, Pass the Nyquil.

Yes, yes…I’m still here (barely). Unfortunately, Miss Memos has been suffering an awful cold/sinus infection for the past five days and has now apparently resorted to speaking in the third person. Miss Memos also currently has a Kleenex box wrapped around her neck with a shoelace – so what?

Two words about colds: they suck. Truly, is there anything worse than lying awake at night, staring at the ceiling, willing one of your nostrils to clear so you don’t have to breathe through your mouth anymore? Then, inevitably, your throat starts to hurt. Of course your nose gets sore from using those damn, rougher-than-sandpaper Kleenex so much. You obviously lose all sense of taste and smell and the thought of eating chicken noodle soup one more night welcomes your gag reflex. Predictably, you get that awful head-rush feeling when you stand up. Basically, you’re sick enough to feel like s*@t, but not sick enough to stop performing your usual daily duties…like, ohhh…I don’t know, working.

And then the worst thing possible happens. A chirpy coworker comes up to you and says, “Wow, you look awful! Are you sick?”

And you say, “Yeah, I have a cold.”

And they say, “Oh, just a cold?”

And you say, “Yeah, just a cold. But if feels like the flu.”

And then they say, “Well, do you have a fever?”

And then you say, “No, I don’t…but I feel really sick.”

And then they say, “Oh, that’s not too bad, then!”

And then you get really pissed off and sulk off to the bathroom to take more Nyquil, even though it’s only 3 PM on a Tuesday. Mwahahaha – that’ll show HER!

So here’s the deal…if I can breathe through at least one nostril tomorrow, I’ll be back to my regular posting schedule. If not, please send your thoughts and prayers my way, as well as any Vick’s VapoRub contributions.

I’m off to find the nearest Native American sweatlodge.

Rubik’s Cubes: A Game For Bionic Geniuses?

Things to accomplish in this lifetime:

1) Become besties with Jennifer Aniston. (We’re slowly but surely getting there. I’m convinced Jen’s hairdresser’s niece reads this blog. Yes, Memos to Myself is getting BIG TIME.)

2) Eat a piece of cheesecake and like it. (I’m really not sure what the point of a dessert is if there’s no chocolate involved. Cheese as a dessert? Really, people? Really?)

3) Beat my older brother…at anything. (This might possibly be the hardest challenge on my list to date because the man is a bionic genius…and I didn’t make that up. Someone actually referred to my brother as “a bionic genius” once. This obviously lead me to believe I was adopted.)

4) Solve a Rubik’s cube like this guy:

In an effort to cross #4 off my list, I did some research on the Rubik’s cube and found the following directions titled, “5 Simple Steps to Solving a Rubik’s Cube.”

1. Use the centers as a guide. Put the white pieces around the white center, and put the red pieces around the red center.

2. Try to find each piece on the Rubik’s Cube and decide where it belongs before making random turns.

3. Solve layers, not faces. If you get a face, try to get the side edge around the face to match in color.

4. Break and fix. You can break apart certain groups, and fix them in a certain way to accomplish your goals (note he’s not suggesting that you actually break the cube, rather break the sequence of colors).

Umm, what? I’m sorry, did you just confuse me with Good Will Hunting? Contrary to popular belief, I’m not Rain Man’s sister. Given that I don’t even understand the directions, I think I’ll stick to writing, thank you very much.

Forget #4, let’s move on to #3 on my list: beat older brother. Bionic Genius, you better watch out. I’ve been reading “The Economist” cover-to-cover and doing non-girly push-ups at the gym for the past few months in preparation. I think I’m ready: I officially challenge you to a thumb war. Bring it!

 

 

 

Pilates & The Potty Mouth

In an effort to reshape my body to look exactly like Jennifer Aniston’s, I’ve taken up Pilates. (Yes, I know…how very Gwyneth of me.) For those of you who aren’t familiar with Pilates, it’s basically like yoga…except instead of seeing tight-clothed women doing poses on the floor, you see them being stretched and contorted while attached to machines resembling medievil torture devices. That, in a nutshell, is Pilates.

So I was in class last week, trying to follow my instructor’s orders of “focusing on my core, breathing smoothly, and maintaining a neutral spine.” This while attempting to uphold some sense of dignity as I winced through one uncomfortable position to the next. Let’s just say it was not going well.

“If sixty-five year old Patrick Swayze can do this, then so can I, goddamnit!” I was thinking to myself when we started the final series of advanced poses. I looked over and saw the three other women in my class moving effortlessly, their limbs gracefully extended. I, on the other hand, looked like a bull in a china shop: beads of sweat running down my temples, face red with exersion. And then it happened – a snap, crackle and finally a pop in my lower back.

“Motherf*cker!”

And then there was silence. Heads turned. Mouths gaped. Had I just yelled a vulgar obscenity in a place where you have to take your shoes off at the door to respect the space’s zen-like quality?? Shit, I had.

And so goes my Pilates adventures and my quest to have Jennifer Aniston’s taut triceps. I have a feeling I might be banished to the Pilates timeout corner tonight for not using my words.

We Are The Hokies

As you go to bed this evening, please consider taking part in “Hokie Hope” day tomorrow in honor of all who lost their lives earlier this week. On Friday, wear your Orange and Maroon in support of the Virginia Tech community.

“We will continue to invent the future through our blood and tears and through all our sadness … We are the Hokies.”

– Nikki Giovanni, University Distinguished Professor, poet, activist