Odds are you’re spending the majority of your Valentine’s Day at work today. Lame-O. So to help put us all in the holiday spirit, I’ve decided to share some illuminating quotes about love, friendship, and the pursuit of happiness from the one and only Michael Scott of the glorious TV show, “The Office.” Apologies if any of his remarks offend you – he knows not what he does.
Michael on weddings: Webster’s dictionary defines ‘wedding’ as “the fusing of two metals with a hot torch.”
Michael on online dating: Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and… I have a great one. “Little Kid Lover.” That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.
Michael on accepting office diversity: You know what? Here’s what we’re going to do. Why don’t we go around and everybody – everybody – say a race that you are attracted to sexually. I will go last.
Michael on male friendships: Hug it out bitch. That is what men say to each other after a fight. They hug it out and in doing so they just let it go and walk away and they’re done. Not a good idea to say that to a woman however. I have found it doesn’t translate.
Michael on his management style: I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager people would laugh when they saw me coming, and would applaud as I walked away.
Michael on love: Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
Michael on Valentine’s Day: Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say “Hey man, I love you this many dollars-worth.”
And to my own Valentine…Mr. Memo’s, I love you more than “The Office,” Jen, and guacomole, combined. Always will. Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone…may your day be filled with an abundance of candy hearts, hershey kisses, and cheesy love songs.