Honk If You Hate Bumper Stickers

I once had a crazy coworker who collected bumper stickers on the back of her red Toyota Camry. This woman had some real gems. Case and point:

In the company lot, her designated parking spot was right next to mine. This meant that the first thing I saw every morning on the walk from my car to the office would be sayings like this:

Great way to start the day.

When the time came for my bumper sticker sister to leave the company, she had collected about 62 total. Among them were a few real winners that I’ve decided to share with all of you in honor of her departure. If you’re lucky enough to get stuck in gridlock traffic behind this woman, please give her my best. Believe me, you’ll know her when you see her.

The Wheels on The Google Bus Go, “Aren’t you Jealous?”

I know I’ve written about this before…and maybe I’m a little bit obsessed…but I just can’t help it. Just in time for St. Patrick’s Day, let’s all get a little green with envy hearing about the continued perks of being a Google employee.

The New York Times ran yet another article this past weekend about the pure awesomeness of this employer…this time describing the free shuttle service the company offers to its employees who live in communities surrounding the main Google office in Mountain View, California. The Times writes:

“The company now ferries about 1,200 employees to and from Google daily — nearly one-fourth of its local work force — aboard 32 shuttle buses equipped with comfortable leather seats and wireless Internet access. Bicycles are allowed on exterior racks, and dogs on forward seats, or on their owners’ laps if the buses run full.”

Hot damn, that’s cool. Reading Perez Hilton on your commute while your tired tushy rests on a luxurious leather seat? I bet these shuttles even have that new car smell.

And while riding on this joyous Google bus, there’s no stress about getting stuck, after a hard day’s work, next to that annoying coworker who’s shouting loudly into her cell phone about her last Pap Smear. Why? Becuase there’s actually RULES on this bus:

“Inside, most riders appeared to abide by the shuttle’s etiquette rules. Cellphone conversations are allowed if they are work-related and sotto voce. But loud personal calls are definitely out. In fact, except for a couple snuggled together, no one sat on adjacent seats. Many took out iPods or laptops and worked, surfed the Web or watched videos.”

Meanwhile, I think I know that girl in the front row with the Burberry scarf on. She looks awfully similar to an old college classmate of mine. I’m looking up her alumni email address now… “Dear Fellow Alum, I think you used to sit next to me in Pych 102. I hear you work for Google now. Hook that shit up, yo. Resume attached.”

 

 

Why I Love This Job and All Things Sassy

“Wanted: A sassy young woman with intense creativity, a passion for life, a solid sense of humor, a love of wellness, and an unwavering need to contribute to something that will make a difference.”

This is the awesome job description that somehow made its way into my inbox today. When I first read it, I couldn’t help but sit straight up in my chair, launch my hand skyward and start waving it furiously while yelling, “That’s me! That’s me!”

But wait, there’s more. The company is also looking for a candidate that has writing and/or internet experience. Ahem (tapping microphone) is this thing on??? “I’m right here!”

Because I want this job so badly that I’d do anything to get it, I dedicate today’s Tuesday Tirade to…

WHY I LOVE THIS JOB AND WANT IT MORE THAN JENNIFER ANISTON AS MY BFF:

Frankly, I think me and this job go together better than Britney Spears and Redbull. Why? Let’s examine the evidence:

• Sass. I’m sassy. I mean, I think I’m sassy. During my unfortunate pre-teen years when I had bangs the size of Bermuda, my parents would often say to me, “Don’t be sassy with me, young lady!” That counts, right? If you’re thinking sassy in terms of “lively and spirited,” I’m that kind of sassy as well. My mom likes to call it “spunk.”
• Creativity. Creativity’s my shtick. My college major even had “creative” in the title. (And for all you sleuths out there trying to piece together the puzzle, I was a Creative Writing Major.) I’m so creative, I even fabricate conversations between myself and a urinal thief just for fun. What can I say? I have an active imagination.
• Passion for Life. Again, it’s like looking in a mirror! I have more passion for life than the guys in the extreme Mountain Dew commercials. I’ll try anything once…except cheesecake. I hate cheesecake.
• A Sense of Humor. I make you guys laugh now and then, don’t I? More importantly, I laugh at myself all the time. I do some funny shit…especially when I’m stuck in traffic and start talking to myself.
• A Love of Wellness. Maybe it’s my Colorado upbringing, my bionic older brother, or my love of sports. Whatever it is, I know how great it feels to be healthy, to surround your body with only things that can nurture it. Feeling healthy = feeling pretty damn good. Now please pass the green tea.
• Making a Difference. Not to sound like an after-school special, but now more than ever I feel a calling to contribute to something bigger than myself. It could possibly be a quarter-life crisis whispering in my ear, but something about marketing food and beverages online just doesn’t cut it for me anymore. I need more.
• Writing & The Internet. What a pair, and easily my two most favorite things in the world with the exception of guacamole and Jennifer Aniston. I have yet to reach the end of the internet, but I’m pretty darn close. And Jen, well she knows how much I love her.

So there you have it. Reasons why I think I could take this job and run with it. Now I just need to apply…

PS – Speaking of Sassy, does anyone out there remember Sassy Magazine??? That was my first ever magazine subscription in the late ’80s. Then it went and got cancelled around the same time as “My So Called Life.” One of the worst weeks of my life as a Middle Schooler, I tell you. Jordan Catalano, I’ll always love you.

               

It’s Monday Morning and Lattes Just Won’t Cut It This Time

Okay, okay…I know I’ve talked a lot about wishing for an espresso cart at my place of employment (just like those lucky Googlers)…but on this Monday morning, a shot of caffeine just won’t do. I need something stronger…something with a little kick. I think I need a wine machine, and I think I need it STAT.

Enter the Enomatic Wine Serving System — a critical addition to my office that I just notified the HR Department about. It works somewhat simlarly to a vending machine – but the fact that it dispenses pinots, not cheetos, is enough to get me drooling on my keyboard. All you do is place your wine glass underneath the spout of your choosing and voila, your Monday morning just got better. Reds, whites (and if I had it my way, champagne)…there’s no discriminating when it comes to the Wine Serving System, which houses up to 16 wine bottles.

You can even trade in your Starbucks card for a Wine-O card…the Enomatic offers customers the ability to charge their drinks on plastic! Yippee!

So there you have it…the perfect reason to kick your caffeine addiction to the curb. If you ask me, I think we’d all be a little more efficient if we could just start our days off with a little morning merlot. Just ask this woman…she looks REALLY happy to be at work:

Is Your Boss A Queen Bee?

Finally, someone confirms my suspicions!!! The Max Planck Institute for Human Development has just released a study suggesting that “women bosses are significantly more likely than men to discriminate against female employees.” This tendency in female managers, called “the Queen Bee syndrome,” likely stems from women at the top who feel threatened by other women and therefore, prefer to surround themselves with men. As a result, these Queen Bees often jeapordize the promotions of other females at their companies.

Ding! Ding! Ding! CORRECT! I’ve witnessed this “Queen Bee Syndrome” at a number of jobs I’ve held, so I couldn’t agree with the study more.

Women’s careers and downright mental health can suffer extreme setbacks when attacked by a Queen Bee. Just look at Helen Green, a Deutsche Bank employee from London. This past summer, she was awarded nearly £800,000 in damages after four of her female colleagues bullied her at her workplace for TWO YEARS. The poor woman suffered a nervous breakdown because of it.

Now I’m not saying that all female executives sting like a bee. And I’m not saying every female employee who works under a female manager is a victim. I AM saying I’ve seen it happen…and hell, might’ve personally experienced it.

Whatever happened to the bumper sticker, “GIRLS RULE!”??? Whatever happened to sistas lookin’ out for sistas??? Whatever happened to mentoring youger women in the workplace in order for us ALL to break through the glass ceiling? If we can’t be confident enough in ourselves, why subject others to our insecurities?

Let’s all go Netflix “Working Girl” and get inspired…